(in)convenience

I know I haven’t written in a while. It’s been hanging over my head: I’ve become a life event blogger. I truly “hate” that I do that (I put hate in quotes because it is such a strong word and I probably don’t actually hate it, but I do greatly dislike). I wish I had the conviction to write on a daily basis but honestly I’m not sure I could come up with anything worth reading that frequently.

Even worse? I am not just a life event blogger, I am a god-damned relationship blogger. And maybe that is just because of my recent experiences, but I wish what was going on in the background was deeper than that. Why do I have such a great longing to be loved?

So, regrettably (or not so, since I am going to write about it anyhow), that is what this post is about: my relationships. Not just romantic relationships though; friendships count too!

I said “I love you” to my roommate for the first time last night. I meant it. I really love her. We found each other via Craigslist. We are both fiercely independent but equally as giving when it comes to friendship and love. But what I truly love the most about her is that she is not afraid to tell me the truth. For that, I have so much love for her.

Tonight she helped me come to a realization: I make it far to easy to be taken advantage of; and worse: I allow it! In the last week or so I discovered that the man I have been pursuing as of late has been lying to me. How (for the time being) is not important, but he betrayed my trust. Although I have played the roll of the understanding sympathizer, I feel emotionally violated.

I have a couple solutions in mind for dealing with this situation, but none of them really make me feel any better. I can “talk the talk” but I may be incapable of walking it. I have returned to square one, taking control of my life and my time: taking myself to dinner, reading a book, practicing yoga, drinking wine, watching a movie, next week I have plans to change up my hairstyle… but none of this really stops the nagging in the back of my mind. That voice that tells me I miss him and want more of him than he seems to be willing to share.

Coming to the conclusion that the person I yearn to be near might only be with me as a convenience, breaks my heart.

I need a sign: do I ride through the flow of this relationship (perhaps to the end) or do I end it now while I feel slightly ahead of the game?

Ls sig w heart

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2 thoughts on “(in)convenience

    • When I saw your comment in December, I didn’t want to listen. I knew that what you had said was 110% correct, but I was in so much denial with myself. It made me feel unworthy. But everything happens for a reason (to some degree) and the agony is finally over. After a period of mourning, I have regained my confidence and moved on. Thank you for the advice.

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