(in)convenience

I know I haven’t written in a while. It’s been hanging over my head: I’ve become a life event blogger. I truly “hate” that I do that (I put hate in quotes because it is such a strong word and I probably don’t actually hate it, but I do greatly dislike). I wish I had the conviction to write on a daily basis but honestly I’m not sure I could come up with anything worth reading that frequently.

Even worse? I am not just a life event blogger, I am a god-damned relationship blogger. And maybe that is just because of my recent experiences, but I wish what was going on in the background was deeper than that. Why do I have such a great longing to be loved?

So, regrettably (or not so, since I am going to write about it anyhow), that is what this post is about: my relationships. Not just romantic relationships though; friendships count too!

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Hello Mister,

I need to clear the air.  We’ve been seeing each other for four weeks now (3 if you remove the last week that we’ve recently spent apart).  The first three weeks were glorious.  A dream, really. I have had no desire to see anyone else and have no intention to do so.  I am utterly smitten with you, but I have a problem.
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The Turning Point

A lot has changed for me in such a short amount of time.  It’s crazy how volatile feelings (most notably lust) can be.

The mystery is what drives the attraction.  I usually tell myself I can learn to love this or that.  And even when I feel a little excited about it, I usually cannot voice a true feeling of attraction well to those around me.  It comes off as convenience dating to them; that I’m clearly not as into that person as I had convinced myself that I was.  And maybe it’s true?  Maybe I just tell myself, Gee, love would be nice, but I don’t want to love this person.  That’s okay though because I might not get it elsewhere.  Well, I’m smart enough to know that is just hog-wash.  And quite frankly, I don’t NEED anyone (that’s the feminist in me coming out to play).  No one NEEDS anyone, but it would be damn nice to have a compatible partner.  But why is that so hard to find?

But I digress. My point is not that I wish to love someone.  I merely mean to bring up the subject of what I would like to call the turning point.  That early point in any relationship, serious or not, in which your brain makes a decision that it is either (1) giving this thing a shot or (2) getting the hell out of dodge! Continue reading

Isn’t This the Best Part of Breaking Up?

Isn’t this the best part of breaking up
Finding someone else you can’t get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too
– Why Can’t I Breath by Lillix

I WANT TO BE SINGLE… dammit… but the butterflies in my stomach won’t let me not feel something more (the double negative is intentional and important).  This wasn’t my plan, but then again feelings are never planned.  The possibilities are exciting and unexpected.  A pleasant and welcome surprise.

Don’t Sacrifice Your Dignity

“I would rather be alone with dignity than in a relationship that requires me to sacrifice my self respect. Sometimes we have to be willing to let go of the relationships that do us much more harm than good. Too many times we work so hard in life to only be discouraged and told by others that we should be grateful for even having them in our own lives. I would much rather be alone than deal with someone who makes me not want to feel loved.

What we feel isn’t based on what we actually go through, it is based on what we represent in our heads when we think about what we are going through. Our interpretation to each situation means everything. At the end of the day, if we keep receiving negative signals from the people that we are in a relationship with, we shouldn’t just avoid these feelings, we have to know that a change is needed. Deal with the change that is needed. Don’t pretend that your relationship is working out when it isn’t, if it isn’t going great, don’t sacrifice your dignity.” -J. Johnson

Someone posted this today.  It was like the universe trying to tell me something.  For the past several weeks I have thought about breaking up with my boyfriend.  When I got up yesterday I knew that would be the day.  It killed me, but it had to be done.  When I read this I had an overwhelming feeling that my Guardian Angel was watching over me.  Guiding me to make the right decision.  Thank you, whoever you are.

Today I hurt.  I didn’t want to hurt him.  I couldn’t give him a good reason.  I didn’t have one good reason, it just wasn’t working.  I know I will feel better about it in time, but right now my heart aches.